Giving all up
by Laudys
Summary: A new cop among the world's greatest detectives.
1. Chapter 1

_"_ _Do you like being a cop?"_

 _"_ _I love it, when he doesn't suck, sir"_

 _Edward Conlon, Blue Blood_

Chapter 1

He types the last word of his report, reads it again. He closes his eyes for a moment. He's exhausted: the case he was working on was really shocking and difficult. A man who was accusing his father of rape. At the SVU, they are more used to women being raped. With a man, it's always a bit weird. He never feels at ease with them. Well, he thinks, at least it's done now. The father will be prosecuted. He sighs, crosses his arms behind his head and looks at the other detectives in front of him. Olivia smiles at him and he smiles back.

"You wanna get a drink? We're going to a bar."

"Nah, thanks. I'm tired, I'll go home."

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

"See ya."

He grabs his jacket and walks out of the room. He stops in front of the elevator and gets in when the doors open. He leaves the police station, takes the subway to go home. In front of his building, he buys something to eat before coming in. He unlocks the door, takes his jacket off and throws it on a chair. He then walks to the fridge, grabs a beer and sits on the couch. He turns TV on and starts watching it, not really interested though. He eats fast, he is so used to eat in a hurry when he is on the streets. He flicks from a channel to another, nothing's interesting. He sighs with disappointment, stands up and walks to the bathroom, taking a hot shower. He dries himself, goes to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. He turns on a side: he is kinda sad that the other half of the bed is always empty. He'd like to have someone by his side, at least from time to time, but he never finds anyone. And somehow, he feels he could never be dating someone seriously again. There's always something wrong with the women he meets. Maybe he's too demanding now he's getting old. He smiles at this thought and closes his eyes, trying to find sleep. He's almost there when his phone rings.

"Crap", he moans before picking up.

"Hello?"

"It's Cragen. You have a new partner."

He stands up in his bed:

"What? How?"

"Well, I thought you needed one. She comes from the 55th precinct and she has been warmly recommended."

"A woman?"

"Yes. Is it a problem?" Cragen asks.

"No. Not at all", he grumbles.

"Perfect. See you tomorrow."

"Fine. Night Captain."

He hangs up, turns on a side again and closes his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

« Life is a series of meetings and separations »

Santosh Kalwar

Chapter 2

She wakes up with a start, and looks at her mobile phone. She sighs with relief: she's not late. Her alarm rings one minute later and she stands up quickly. She's starting her new job today and she's really excited about it. She eats a piece of bread and walks to the bathroom. After her shower, she chooses carefully her clothes: she is gonna be in another environment, with another team and another partner. She decides to dress as casual as possible. She pulls on a white shirt, slips on black jeans and comfortable shoes. Then she leaves her flat, runs in the stairs. She sees always the same faces at the same time and walks to the subway station. For the first time in years, she doesn't take the same subway. While it's leading her to her new life, she stares at the passengers' faces: she wonders if she will see them every day, if they could become friends, or if she's never gonna see them again. She feels someone's looking at her and she realizes it's a guy. She has cried because of love so many times… her heart jumps in her chest but she keeps still. She ends up looking away, ill at ease.

When she reaches her station, she gets out on the street. A bit lost, she asks for her way. She ends up making it. She stands in front of the building, feeling stress increasing. She closes her eyes for a second, breathes deeply and comes in.

A lot of people are surrounding her. She gets in a big room, with lots of desks facing each other. Some of them are unoccupied, on others people are already working. She looks all around her to check where his new boss' office is. But a man comes to her before that: in his late 50s, bald, she immediately knows he's the captain. She holds out her hand at him:

"Captain Cragen?"

He shakes it:

"Katherine Rooney, right?"

"Yes sir."

He turns to a man, sit in front of a desk and tells her:

"This is your new partner."

"Okay…"

She walks to him, he doesn't even looks at her, and she clears her throat. He looks up at her:

"What can I do for you?"

"Erm… I'm your new partner."

He stands up:

"Oh sorry, I thought you were a victim. Odafin Tutuola", he says. "Call me Fin."

"Katherine Rooney. Call me Kate."

"Okay Kate."

He sits back and she suddenly feels weird. He's not really welcoming but the captain rushes to her rescue:

"Fin. Why don't you make her visit the squad?"

"Captain, I…"

But Fin stays quiet when he realizes Cragen was not really asking. He sighs with exasperation and stands up, says:

"Follow me."

Kate eyes Cragen and he motions her to follow him.

"So here's your desk, it was my previous partner's."

"What happened to him?" she asks.

"Why do you care?" he retorts.

"Sorry. Just asking…" she mumbles.

"He's sergeant now. This is the captain's office, there you can drink coffee or something, these are the interviews rooms…"

She listens to him and follows him. When they're done, they go back to their desks and a woman arrives. Fin walks to her and hugs her:

"Hey baby girl, how you doing?"

Kate raises an eyebrow:

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"Jeez…" he sighs.

The woman turns to her and smiles:

"I'm Olivia. Benson."

"Hi. I'm Fin's new partner, Kate Rooney."

She eyes Fin with a weird look, Kate doesn't really know what it means but she shakes her hand anyway. Then she meets Elliott and George Huand, the psychiatrist. They all welcome her very nicely, and she starts feeling disappointed she had not been paired with one of them. She takes her stuff and installs things in her locker and on her new desk. Fin is in front of her, he never looks at her, never talks to her. She looks around her, and watches Olivia and Elliott chatting together. She envies them, remember how it was when she was with her previous partner. She sends an exasperated look to Fin and he suddenly mumbles, as he had read in her thoughts:

"These two have been partners for 15 years."

She smiles and gets closer to him to see what he's doing. He gives her a black look but doesn't say anything.

It's soon lunch time and she's craving for food. Fin has gone to the captain's office and got out of there looking really angry. He had a coffee with the other detectives and she felt isolated right then, alone, waiting for him to come back. He has very quickly told him about how they worked and that was it. His only words in the morning. She looks up when she sees Olivia coming at her:

"Hey. Wanna have lunch with us?"

"Hell yeah", she almost shouts with relief.

Olivia chuckles while Finn gives her black looks:

"Fin?" Olivia proposes.

"Nope, thanks baby girl. Not hungry."

Kate can't help rolling her eyes and she leaves with Liv. Outside, Elliot is waiting for them. They walk to a diner and they order. While they are waiting, Liv says:

"So. Tell us about you? Where do you come from?"

"You mean, which squad or which state?"

"Both", she says with a smile.

"Okay", Kate laughs. "Well… I was born in St Paul, Minnesota. I am 30 and I've been a cop for 10 years now. Before being with you, I was working at the 55th precinct and I asked for my transfer here."

"I've worked at the 55th precinct too", Liv says. "Do you know Karen Smythe?"

"No, I don't sorry. So, you know everything…"

"Come on", Elliott says. "We don't know anything. What about your private life?"

"You first", she says.

Elliott glances at Liv who smiles back.

"I'm divorced", Elliott says. "And I have 5 kids with my ex-wife."

"I am single and I don't have kids", Olivia says.

"Same here", Kate retorts.

"You're still young", Olivia says again with a fake smile.

Kate immediately feels something is wrong and Elliott's sorry look to Liv makes her think she's right. To change the subject, he starts talking about work. Within an hour, she has talked more with these two than with her "partner". When they get back to the SVU, they promise her they'll organize a night out in a bar to celebrate her arrival.

A few minutes after she came back, Fin and her are called for a crime. They drive to the hospital, the victim is a baby, and Kate is really shocked by this first case. They solve it quite easily, the assaulter was his step father. A real weirdo. While they're done with the case, that the guy is in a cell, and that they've wrote the report, they are ready to leave and Fin looks at Kate:

"Erm… You want a ride?"

She gives him astonished looks:

"So…Sorry?"

"I mean if you want, I can drive you home."

She hesitates: he is weird, and she doesn't really like him but they're gonna work together for a moment so if he makes the first step, she can't reject him.

"Okay", she ends up saying.

They barely talk during the trip, and the awkwardness is almost palpable. Kate just tells him where to go, where to turn, and so on. He ends up parking in front of her building. He turns to her:

"There you are."

"Thanks", she says, while unbuckling.

She is about to open the car door but he says:

"Ya know… Don't be mad at me… It's hard for me to have a new partner after so much time, see?"

She smiles:

"I understand Fin. Good night, and thank you again."

"See you tomorrow."

She smiles one last time, watches him driving away and gets home only when his car has disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

_« Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none »_

William Shakespeare

Chapter 3

« Liv, Elliott ! You join us ? »

« Give us two minutes », Elliott says. « Go ahead, we'll catch up. »

« Allright », Munch says.

He leaves with Cragen, Fin, Kate the newbie and Casey.

Elliott and Olivia glance at each other : they don't need words, they never did actually. They head for the locker room and close the door behind them. As soon as they are safe, Elliott pins her against one of the locker and starts kissing her neck. She closes her eyes and gasps. She whispers his name :

« Hm ? » he says, not stopping what he's doing.

« Stop… »

« Is it not good ? »

She closes her eyes again :

« Yes it is… but… we have to go. »

« C'mon the newbie can wait for ten minutes, right ? »

She chuckles, he undresses her and puts his hand on her mouth.

The members of the squad and Casey get to the bar. Cragen is the only one who doesn't order alcohol but Kate doesn't dare asking anything. He faintly smiles at her and asks :

« So, how is it going ? »

« What do you mean ? »

« Well, the job, the squad, your partner… »

Kate eyes around her : Fin is not here. Probably to the restrooms. She shruggs :

« Job is okay, it's hard sometimes but I handle it. Everybody is great at the squad but my partner… »

« What's wrong with him ? » Cragen asks.

« I don't know… I mean… Why is he always so crabby ? »

Munch chuckles and Cragen holds back a smile.

« It's just the way he is », Munch says. « You'll get used to it. »

« Well, it's really a pain… »

Olivia and Elliot come in together. They join the group and order something. Kate watches them for a long moment. When Fin comes back she asks him :

« Are they together ? »

« Who ? » he asks back.

« Liv and El. »

« Nah », he says with a despising look.

« Why do you have to be so nasty all the fucking time ?! » she exclaims.

« Don't say bullshits like that and I won't be nasty, kiddo. »

« Really ? Why is it bullshit ? »

« Because Elliot has been divorced for only a year and that they are just friends. »

She shruggs and stares at them : friends my ass. Only a woman can see that tere is way more than friendship in the way they talk to each other, look at each other, touch each other, hug each other.

« Come on Fin, be nice », Munch says. He then rises his glass :

« To Kate. Welcome here and we all hope you'll be happy with us. »

« Kate ! » they all exclaim, even Fin and Liv gives her a real friendly look.

She talks to everybody and Cragen, Fin and Munch are the first ones to leave. She sits with Liv and Casey. They chat together, she really appreciates the two women. They are nice, friendly, smart. Casey ends up leaving too, Elliott is talking to another cop from another squad. Kate takes the most of it to talk to Liv :

« You're with Elliot, right ? »

Liv sends her a surprised look and shakes her head :

« No.. No. »

« You know, you can tell me. I know we've not known each other for a long time but if guys in this squad are blind, well I'm not. »

Olivia can't help smiling. It's true she's there for only a couple of weeks but she has a feeling towards her she never had before. Like they could be friends, real friends, somehow a feminine form of Elliot. She never knew why she wasn't popular among girls, she was closer to boys, even when i twas just friendship. But Kate has a freshness, a kindness that appeal to her. Kate is still staring at her, and Olivia ends up saying :

« Don't tell anyone. We want to keep it secret. »

« Why ? » Kate asks, curious.

Olivia shruggs : she doesn't really even know. It just went this way.

« Well, Cragen would probably separate us if he knew and we love working together. »

« Nah, I don't think he would », Kate retorts, shaking her head. »

Olivia smiles with incredulity :

« How do you know ? »

« If you are great partners, why would he risk losing that ? »

Liv smiles again, whispers :

« Right », and drinks her glass.

They leave the bar together with Elliot, and walk away. Liv remains silent while Elliot and her get back to her flat.

« What's wrong babe ? »

« Nothing… I was thinking about Kate. I really like her. »

« I do too, she's really nice and she's a great cop. Not as great as you of course », he adds with a wink.

She laughs and embraces him :

« I love you El. »

« I do too. »

They kiss and go on walking. Liv says again :

« I told her about us. »

« Liv… »

« Don't worry, she won't say anything. I trust her. »

Elliot stares at her : she looks sincere, and he really hopes Kate deserves Liv's trust. He slips his hand in hers, she looks at him, smiles and they go on walking, chatting together from one thing or another. They are so happy to be together at least. They've always been appealed to each other, and i twas really hard to resist throughout the years. The more they knew each other, the more they were in love. Somehow, Katie, Elliot's ex-wife, knew it. She was clearly jealous of Olivia. Elliot spent his time with her, working. They had other problems that led them to divorce, but Olivia was certainly the biggest one. As soon as he was « free », they started dating. They couldn't resist anymore. Elliot and Olivia reach her apartment, and Olivia closes the door behind them with a kinky smile.


	4. Chapter 4

"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eyes"

H. Jackson Brown, JR

Chapter 4

The whole squad gets back from the trial of Elliot and Liv's last case. They're all overwhelmed : the rapist they had arrested has been declared non guilty during the trial and thus has been acquitted. There's a unusual heavy silence. Kate looks at each of the members, ill at ease. They seem to be so united in their pain that she feels a bit like a stranger among us, even though she's been there for months now. Elliot and Olivia leave the squad soon, without a word. Kate sighs, tries to work on another case, but she can't concentrate on something else. While she's staring at her computer, lost in her thoughts, Fin comes to see her. He clears his throat so she looks at him :

« Yes ? » she asks, surprised.

« Wanna have dinner ? » he asks.

« With…me ? »

« No, with your computer… » he say with a mocking tone. « Of course with you. »

« Well, okay… »

She stands up and grabs her jacket. They leave together and take Fin's car. She feels weird, really weird. That sounds like a date, even though she's pretty sure it's not but then, why does he invite her for dinner ? She's really confused, and looks at him to see if she can read his face but he remains unchanging. He has always this look on his face as if someone had eaten his dessert. She chuckles at this thought and he turns to her with the same look, but even more obvious. Kate starts laughing, she can't stop and the more Fin asks what's going on with her, the more she laughs. He ends up shaking his head and she finally manages to put a end to her giggles. They get to the restaurant and the waiter gives them a table. They eye each other, a bit embarassed : they're surrounded by people. Fin gives Kate a shy smile and they sit. They order something to drink and, while they are waiting for it, Fin clears his throat :

« Well… I wanted to have dinner with you because… I kinda feel bad for what I've done to you. I've not been nice and it was unfair. »

« I guess it's the same for everybody right ? »

« Kind of. I'm not a person who confides in someone. »

« Even your partner ? » she dare asking.

He stares at her, smiles and shakes his head.

« Why not ? » she asks.

« I…don't want to be too close from my partners. »

« You've lost someone ? » Kate asks again.

« Yeah. Before being at the SVU, I was working with the narcotics. One day, during an operation, my partner was injured with a bullet that should have been for me. He died and I asked for a transfer to SVU. »

« Okay… I guess I understand. So, am I the first female partner you have ? »

He smiles :

« Yes. »

« How is it ? »

« It's…weird. Well at least we don't fight about politics like I used to do with Munch. »

Kate chuckles and Fin does too:

"Then what are you?" Kate ends up asking.

"Republican", he answers.

She slightly wince and he exclaims:

"Oh no! A democrat again?"

"Is Munch democrat?"

"He's worse than that…"

Kate laughs:

"Come on… You're kinda nasty with him. He's nice, I like him."

"I like him too, I was just kidding. Well I better not talk about politics with you either."

She laughs again and the waiter comes back to take their order. They eat, talking about anything and everything. Kate feels weirdly relieves: Fin is talking more in one evening than since she's been his partner. While they're eating, Fin says:

"So? Why did you choose SVU?"

"I felt I was not doing anything important before. I mean, I was just like any cop. Whereas now, I feel I really change people's lives, see?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Are you married?" Kate asks.

He hesitates for a second before saying:

"I've been yeah. I'm not anymore."

"Any kids?"

"A son, Ken."

"Oh cool, how old is he?"

"31 now…"

Kate gives him an astonished look:

"Really? But how old are you?"

"53. You?"

"30. You really look much younger you know."

Fin feels getting red and Kate slightly chuckles:

"Sorry."

"No, it's just… I'm not used to compliments…"

"Really?"

He has an embarrassed smile and Kate doesn't insist. They finish their dinner, Kate orders a dessert and Fin a coffee. Fin pays the check and they get out of the restaurant. Fin proposes to drive her back home and she accepts. Once they get there, he looks at the house:

"That's nice."

"I got money after my parents", she says with an excused tone.

"C'mon don't excuse yourself. Your parents are rich so what? It doesn't matter."

"Thanks. And thanks for the restaurant and… you know, talking to me."

Fin smiles:

"You're welcome. It was a nice evening. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight Fin."

"Night Kate."

She smiles and tilts her head to kiss his cheek. She doesn't wait for his potential answer, gets out of the car and rushes in her house. Once she's in, she locks the door, her heart hammering against her chest. She doesn't realize she kissed him, even if it was just on the cheek, well Odafin Tutuola doesn't look like he's fond of kisses. She sighs deeply, trying to calm down her heart. She walks to the window and looks through it. Fin's car is still there. She stares at it until it ends up moving away in the dark night.


	5. Chapter 5

_"_ _Love begins with an image; lust with a sensation."_

 _Mason Cooley_

Chapter 5

The following days, the mood is kinda weird between Fin and Kate. She's still embarrassed because if that kiss and he looks like he doesn't know how to act with her now. One evening, she invites Olivia to come at her place. Olivia accepts and they have a Chinese dinner. They really like each other now, Olivia is glad she found a woman whom she can share so many things with. Sit in the couch, Kate asks:

"So. How is it going with Elliot?"

Olivia has a broad smile and Kate chuckles:

"I guess that says all about it."

"It does."

"Can I ask a weird question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Go ahead."

"How is it, I mean in bed?"

Olivia chuckles with embarrassment:

"Well, it's mostly wild…"

They both laugh and Liv says again:

"What about you? Any boyfriend now?"

"No", Kate says, shaking her head.

"Not even fuck buddy?"

"Liv!" Kate exclaims.

"What? Don't tell me you're shocked, you just asked how my man was in bed…"

"No, I'm not. It's just. It's not my thing you know. I need to really feel for someone to have sex with him."

"I'm the same so I understand it very well."

"Tell me about you and Elliot. How did it start?"

Olivia has a dreamy look and starts telling:

"I guess it started the second I saw him. I fell in love immediately, I loved everything in him, I loved his eyes, and his hair, his smile, his body. I loved the way he talked, how he was, how he thought. Everything. But… There was Katie, his wife. They already had 4 children back then. I didn't want to be a home wrecker. So I loved him silently. I believed it would work when they split up. But, one day, he slept with her and she got pregnant again… I was so sad… But, once again, I stepped back and I let him live his life. Until one night, after a long day of work, he kissed me. That was so amazing…"

She daydreams for a moment, and Kate remains silent, admiring how much Liv loved this man. She says again:

"We maked love at work this night and the following day, he broke up definitely with Kathie. He was at my door with all his stuff the same evening. Since then, my life has been perfect."

Kate smiles and they go on chatting all the evening long.

When Liv comes home, it's really late. Elliot is not sleeping, he's sit on the couch, waiting for her.

"Hey baby", she says when she comes in.

"Hi. It's late…"

Liv joins him on the couch and sits on him:

"Come on… We've talked a lot."

"Are you drunk?"

"No. One or two beers that's it."

"Allright."

She kisses him and sighs in his ear:

"I've missed you…."

"Me too… But… I thought about you", he says with a big smile.

"Mmmmm… That's kind of a turn on…"

"Show me", he seriously says.

She smiles, kisses him a last time and gets on her knees in front of him. He closes his eyes when she takes his cock out of his boxer shorts and he gasps when she starts sucking on it. "Jesus Liv", he moans. She is the best at that, and her enthusiasm makes it even better. She teases the tip of his cock with her tongue, before swallowing it completely. He has a slight laugh with excitement and incredulity. She goes on varying the rhythm, the gestures, the strokes. Elliot feels he's gonna come so he grabs her shoulders, takes her away from his cock and French kisses her. He goes on kissing her until he feels he has calmed down a bit and she sucks him again. He strokes her hair, telling her how beautiful she is, how happy he is with her, and she gives one of this look, full of love and lust and this single glance makes him come. She swallows his semen and goes on sucking him. He gives her an incredulous look and she smiles at him. Once he's hard enough, he moves away and joins her on the floor:

"Let me."

She smiles and he grabs her hips, makes her turn around. He violently takes her pants off and she gasps with surprise and excitement.

"Hello beautiful", he says before kissing it.

Olivia gasps again when he bites her gently and she rubs against him:

"I want you El…"

"I want you too but we've got time, right?" he tells her after standing up.

"Come in now", Olivia orders.

He's not used to that but, hey, that's exciting. He grabs her hips and pushes in. Liv yells immediately. His hands run on her back, her butt, they stroke her breasts, swaying violently under his movements. He strokes her hair before grabbing her scruff: she turns around:

"I love you El"

"Love you too baby."

He fucks her hard, she looks like she's enjoying it a lot. He feels pleasure increasing slowly, until he feels like his kidneys and his belly are burning from the inside and his climax is so violent that he has a violent vertigo. He collapses next to her on the floor and she lets herself fall on her belly. They exchange an ecstatic look and they laugh before kissing.


	6. Chapter 6

_"_ _It's nice to have a crush on someone. It feels like you're alive, you know?"_

 _Scarlett Johansson_

Chapter 6

After a long day of work, Kate goes to the locker room to change before she comes home. When she gets in, Olivia is already there.

"Hey Kate. Going home?"

"Yeah, I'm exhausted."

Olivia looks at the little brunette, putting her stuff in her locker. She walks to her after she had locked her own locker.

"I wanted to ask you: what do you do for Christmas?"

"Well, nothing extraordinary. I'll eat at my parents on 24th evening and I'll be at home on the 25th."

"Oh. Do you want to come at my place?"

Kate turns to her with an astonished look:

"Really? You're serious?"

Olivia answers:

"Well, yes. Why do you look so surprised?" she asks, crossing her arms on her chest and giving a perplexed look.

"I don't know… We've not known each other for long and Christmas is for family and close friends."

Olivia smiles at her:

"You're a friend."

Kate stares at Liv:

"Thanks. I'm touched, really."

Liv smiles and strokes her shoulder:

"Come on… So will you come? Fin will be there", she adds with a wink.

Kate laughs:

"Why do you wink at me?"

"I thought you would be glad Fin will be with us."

Kate slightly shakes her head:

"Why would I?"

"You know Kate, I've been like you. So now I know when people like each other and try really hard to hide it."

"Fin doesn't like me."

"Yes he does. And you do too."

Kate shakes her head again:

"He's my partner. Nothing more."

"That's exactly what I used to say about Elliot years ago…" Olivia says with a smile.

"Listen, I'll be there and I'm glad you invited me. But I'm not coming for Fin. I come for you and Elliot because I really love you both. That's it."

Olivia starts retorting something but Kate rushes out of the locker room. She walks through the offices to get out and she feels someone's staring at her. She suddenly stops, turns around and realizes it's Fin. She shouts:

"What the fuck are you looking at?!"

Everybody turns to her, than to Fin and his surprised look turns into an angry one. Fin doesn't like to be the center of the attention. Kate sighs and leaves.

"What was that?" Elliot asks to Fin.

"Crazy chick. I'm used to that. Munch was my partner."

Elliot bursts out laughing and Fin laughs too, not without eyeing the door through she came out.

Kate walks fast to the subway station. When she gets in the subway and sits down, she tries to calm down the furious beating of her heart against her chest. So many feelings are invading her right now: anger, humiliation, guilt, fear… She thought she was discreet enough but Liv saw everything. And she's scared she tells everything to Elliot. The simple fact that this thought crosses her mind makes her close her eyes and shake her head. Olivia won't say anything. But she knows now. Kate holds back a desperate moan and hardly holds back her tears. She hopes nobody else noticed it. Especially not the guys. She is so lost in her thoughts she almost miss her station. She walks out home and closes the door behind her with a sigh of relief. She undresses and starts running a bath in her tub. She gets in with pleasure and she closes her eyes, letting the warm water relaxing her.

The sound of the doorbell wakes her up with a start. She looks around her: she's in the tub, the water is cold. She has probably fallen asleep. "Crap", she says. The doorbell rings again, more insistently. She shouts "Oh shut up", before getting out of the tub, putting on a bathrobe and walking to the door. She is not well awake, and angry at the person who is pissing her off. She opens the door with rage:

"What?"

Fin is there.

"Oh, it's you. What do you want?"

"Can I come in?"

She winces at him:

"No!"

He frowns:

"Why not?"

"It's late and I don't want to talk to you."

"Why are you so crabby?"

Kate laughs ironically:

"Holy shit, you're always in a bad mood and treating other people like shit and you come say THAT to ME?! Look at yourself before talking!"

She slams the door at his face and he stares at it for a few seconds. He hesitates and is about to ring the bell again but he ends up giving up. He walks back to his car but he realizes he doesn't want to go home. He grabs his cell and dial a number. He waits for some seconds before saying:

"Munch?"

Fin is waiting in a dinner when Munch comes in. He sits in front of him:

"So. What was so urgent?"

"I'm in the shit."

"What have you done?"

"Nothing."

Munch shrugs:

"Then it's okay. Why do you look so shaken? I've never seen you like that."

Fin strokes his hair and stares at Munch in the eyes:

"I think I've a crush."

"Well, that's good news. I've never understood why you never had anyone serious."

"It's not good news and it's not that simple. It's Rooney."

"Rooney? Kate Rooney?" Munch asks.

Fin rolls his eyes: who else? But he doesn't want to argue with Munch so he just nods. To his great surprise, Munch laughs. He damn laughs.

"Are you playing the damn fun at me?" Fin retorts, really angry now.

Munch, still laughing, stammers:

"I'm… I'm sorry."

He has tears in his eyes and wipes them away.

"What's so fucking funny?"

Munch can't stop laughing and Fin rolls his eyes again. He can't do anything than waiting for him to stop:

"It's just… It's not serious, it's not a bad thing. I'm happy for you but I expected something really bad."

"So you think that having a crush on my partner is good news?"

"Of course! Why not?"

Fin bends down:

" . . It has to stay professional."

"Yeah, you're the first cop to sleep with his partner. You'll go in jail for that", Munch ironically says.

"Tsss. You don't understand. Thanks for your time."

Fin leaves the table and gets out of the dinner, despite Munch's calls to get him back.


	7. Chapter 7

_« Christmas is the day that holds all time together »_

 _Alexander Smith_

Chapter 7

Kate knocks on Olivia's door. She hears voices from outside. She nervously bites her lower lip, her legs shaking with anxiety, holding a bag. Olivia opens the door: she wears a beautiful black dress, pretty earrings and has a glass of champagne in her hand. Kate smiles at her, feeling it quavering but unable to restrain herself. Olivia slightly frowns, wondering why she is so nervous but Kate comes in, hugs her, says: "Merry Christmas" and walks to the living room. She stops right in her tracks when she sees Fin sit by Elliot's side. El stands up when he sees her and hugs her with a broad grin: "Hey buddy! Merry Christmas!" and she wishes him the same. She turns to Fin and quite coldly says: "Hi." He says it back and turns her back at her. She holds back an exasperated sigh and turns to Elliot instead:

"Were you with your kids last night?"

He smiles:

"Yeah. They were at their mother's and", he adds softly, "they came here in the evening."

"Okay. That's cool."

"How was it at your parents?"

She sits on the couch near Fin and Elliot sits in an armchair in front of her:

"Oh, awful. As usual", she says with a weak smile.

Olivia comes join them with a glass for Kate:

"What happened?" she asks, and Kate thanks her.

She slightly shakes her head:

"It's just… My siblings are weird. They were very close when they were younger, and it changed all of a sudden. I never knew why. I'm the last one, and I've always been apart so… it's difficult for me, it's been years since I didn't have fun at Christmas so thanks for having invited me", she ends up saying with a smile, rising her glass. Liv and El slightly smile and clink glasses with hers. Kate glances at Fin but he stares at his shoes. Elliot and Olivia share a knowing look and she clears her throat:

"El, would you come help me in the kitchen?"

"Sure."

They leave and, when they're alone, Kate turns to Fin:

"How are you?"

"Fine."

His icy tone disheartens her and she looks away for a moment. There's a heavy and never-ending silence. All the situation is ridiculous: Olivia and Elliot who leave their own living room to let them talk and him reacting like a 15 years-old. Kate laughs bitterly and turns to him again:

"Listen, I'm sorry okay? I didn't want to be nasty with you the other day."

"I don't care."

"What do you mean?" Kate asks, frowning.

"We're partners and that's it. That's why I've always wanted male partners. They don't make a fuss of everything."

Kate wants to reply but he stands up and heads to the kitchen. A few seconds later, Olivia comes back.

"What's going on?" she asks.

Kate shrugs:

"Mister Touchy."

Olivia gives her a comforting look and strokes her shoulder:

"It's hard, I know. He's really a loner and he never confides in anybody. You know, you are closer to him than anybody ever was. So that's something really important you have to believe me. Fin didn't have an awesome life, he got through a lot of bad things."

"I know that", Kate interrupts her. "But, he could relax a bit. That's all I'm asking for."

"Give him some time. He's old, you know, and you won't change him."

"I don't want to."

"I know. Give him some time, that's the best advice I can give you."

Kate sighs:

"Okay. Well, the evening is gonna be long…"

Liv smiles at her:

"Hey. I'm here, as well as Elliot."

"Yes, fortunately."

She laughs and the guys come back then. They all sit and enjoy the dinner. Kate is admirative of how Elliot and Olivia look like they're only friends. She never could hide her feelings. People read her like an open book. That caused her many trouble in the past, while she was a teen and even in college. That's why she left it and decided to become a cop. Kate chats cheerfully with the couple, Fin is more or less in his own thoughts. He doesn't talk a lot and she ends up almost forgetting about him. If he doesn't want them to be friends, well, fine. But she's not gonna ruin her evening for him. She has two other friends with whom she can talk, laugh, and be crazy without being judged. Elliot and Olivia are really different from work, where they're really serious and very empathic with the victims. In private, they act like crazy puppies: always teasing each other, laughing loud and hard. God, Kate feels so good with them. She can be herself and that's the most important thing when you're with friends, right? It's more difficult with family, they always expect so much from her. She's the last one, she's the one who has succeeded the most, the one who never did drugs or alcohol. Sometimes, she feels she has a way too heavy weight on her shoulders. And now, with the two other fighting all the time, her mother has never counted on her so much. She tries to forget about her weirdoes' family and concentrates on her Christmas day. They finish their dinner and it's time for them to open their gifts. Kate has bought one for everybody. Fin has simply forgotten her. He looks embarrassed but she doesn't really care. Actually, she would have been surprised if he bought her something. She has bought for Elliot a book about Catholicism and for Olivia a pair of earrings. They thank her warmly and she hands her gift at Fin:

"Thanks", he mumbles.

They all stare at him and that embarrasses him even more. When he takes off the wrapping paper, he discovers two gifts: one is the last CD of his favorite band, and the other one is a book about rap' history. He gives Kate a surprised look: how could she know he would like it? They never discuss private stuff. He thanks her again, not willing to cause a fuss. Kate grabs the book on horses and the box set of "Game of thrones" Olivia and Elliot has offered to her and puts them in her bag. They go on chatting until Fin says he's tired and gets back home.

"You wanna stay sleep there?" Olivia asks Kate.

"No, I'm fine, I'll take the subway."

"Please, be careful and send us a text as soon as you're home safe okay?" Elliot asks.

She smiles at him:

"Yes, I will."

She grabs her bag, her purse and her coat and she walks to the door. Elliot waves her goodbye, Olivia sees her out:

"Thanks for the invitation. I really enjoyed being with you tonight."

"You bet. We're happy too. Take care."

"Thanks. See you tomorrow. Goodnight guys", she says louder so Elliot can hear her.

"Night Kate!" he shouts back.

She leaves the apartment and walks to the subway station. She tries hard not to fall asleep and, as soon as she has locked her door, she sends a text to Liv saying she's safe and thanking her again for the dinner and the gifts. Then she undresses, has a shower and slips in her sheets with a satisfied sigh.


	8. Chapter 8

_« A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you »_

 _Elbert Hubbard_

Chapter 8

« Fin ! Kate ! »

They turn to the captain, walking out of his office.

"You need to get to Park Avenue and East 23rd. A woman called to say she has been raped."

"Okay, we're on our way."

The two detectives walk out of the squad. While walking to the car, Kate turns to Fin:

"Can I drive?"

"No", Fin retorts.

"Oh come on, please! You never let me drive!"

"Cause you're a woman."

"Oh my god, what a fucking macho!"

She rushes on him and snaps the keys out of his hand.

"Got you!" she shouts with a victorious smile.

He gives her a look filled with dismay and gets in the car. While she's driving, he turns to her:

"You're really a kiddo, you know that?"

"Screw you."

Fin can't believe she just said that.

"Sorry?" he asks nastily.

"Stop calling me that. Stop disrespecting me for hell' sake."

Fin stares at her, opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind and he just remains silent, looking at the road. They almost get at the address and he still has not opened his mouth. He though frowns when he hears sounds of guns: the captain didn't talk about the assaulter still there. He looks at Kate and he realizes she is staring at him too. When they turn right, Fin looks back right in front of him and suddenly shouts:

"STOP! STOP!"

Kate brutally brakes and looks in front of her: they just interrupted a hold up. Three guys, with masks on, turn to the car. Kate's eyes widen with fear when she sees they have Tommy gun. She turns to Fin, she tries to drive back but a brutal pain invades her. She doesn't realize what's going on. She just hurts a lot and Fin yells something at her but she doesn't hear. She looks down, trying to discover why she aches so much and she sees blood on her t-shirt. A lot of blood. She looks up at Fin and he grabs her shoulder.

Fin takes Kate out of the car and pulls her at the back of the car when she is safe. He grabs his radio and yells: "10-13! 10-13! Officer down! We're at the corner of Park Avenue and East 23rd! Assistance needed!"

He doesn't wait for the answer and runs to Kate. The guys go on shooting on them but, when sirens ring out, they stop and Fin hears a car hurtling off. A police car stops next to them: a guy gets down of it and Fin quickly tells them where he thinks the car goes. Then he turns to Kate. She's blleding a lot and she has her eyes still open. He starts talking to her:

"Stay with me Kate. Stay with me babe. Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes."

She gives him a panicked look, as if she doesn't understand what's happening to her. She tries to talk but he stops her:

"Don't talk, don't talk. Ambulance will be there soon, okay? Hold on babe."

The ambulance arrives two minutes later but he feels like it has been two hours. The paramedics take care of her and he stares at them, unable to do anything else. When they put her in the ambulance, they ask him if he wants to go with her. Shocked, he doesn't answer for a few seconds before slightly nodding. Sirens yelling, they drive fast to the hospital. Kate looks more or less okay, but, suddenly, her heartbeats seem to have a problem. The paramedic who's at the back starts massaging her heart and he yells to the driver:

"Faster! We're losing her!"

"What's going on?" Fin asks. "What's going on?!" he repeats, yelling, while the paramedic has not answered him.

"There's a problem with her heart. Let us work, okay?"

They get quickly to the hospital and she is taken away by doctors. Fin follows them but, when they get into a room, a nurse prevents him to come in. He stays behind the glass, watching the docs trying to save her. They intubate her and they do some other things he doesn't understand. It lasts long, an hour maybe, before they get out of the room with the stretcher. Fin gives them inquiring looks and a doctor turns to a nurse:

"Carol! It's her teammate please tell him about her."

The woman nods and walks to Fin:

"It's very serious. They are taking her to surgery. She has been injured at the chest."

"Will she get through it?" Fin asks.

She stares at him and says:

"50/50."

Fin doesn't reply. He heads to the elevators and to the surgery service. He sits in the waiting room

and takes his face in his hands.

"Fin?"

He looks up suddenly: Olivia is here, as well as Elliot, Munch and Cragen. She hands him a cup of coffee. He takes it and whispers:

"Thanks."

"We came as soon as we've known."

"How is she?" Cragen asks.

"I… I don't know. She is operated right now. They said it's 50/50 chances."

Munch sits next to him:

"What happened?"

"We were driving to the victim's address. We came across a hold up. They shoot and that was it."

Fin looks up at Cragen:

"She wanted to drive. She insisted and I let her do. It should have been me."

He stands up suddenly and shouts:

"Why did I let her drive?!"

They all startle when he punches the wall. Liv comes to him:

"Fin, calm down. It's not your fault."

Cragen's phone rings and he walks away for a moment before coming back to his squad:

"They've catched them."

"Where are they?" Fin asks, already walking to the elevators.

"You can't do anything more Fin. Stay here. Or go back home."

He doesn't reply and stays still in front of the elevator. Liv joins him again and whispers:

"You should go wash your hands."

Not really understanding why, he though heads to the restrooms. That's only when he turns the tap on and that he sees blood flooding through water than he understands why Liv told him that. He takes all the blood off then dries his hands. He gets back to the waiting room.

It's long, awfully long. The whole scene repeats in his head, again, and again, and again. He feels so guilty. The door opens after four long hours and a young doctor comes out. He looks tired and has a lot of blood on him. He walks to the guys:

"Are you Kate Rooney's team?"

"Yes. I'm her captain", Cragen says, "and this is her partner", he adds, pointing at Fin.

"She's okay. It was long, she had several internal injuries. But we could heal her. She'll be fine now."

Fin sighs with relief: he has stopped listening after "she's okay". Liv comes and hugs him. She whispers: "It's over, it's over." He vaguely hears Cragen asking if they can see her.

"It's too soon. She won't be awake before 2 hours. Go back home. You need to rest."

They all thank the doc and turn to the elevators:

"I have to give you my statement", Fin tells Cragen.

"It can wait for tomorrow. Go home. It's an order."

Fin knows it's useless to protest. He obeys. He goes home, has a shower, and immediately goes back to the hospital. He asks for Kate's room and, when he gets in, she's still asleep. He sits next to her and stares at her. Still intubated, she looks peaceful. He doesn't hear the door opening and violently startle when he hears:

"Hey."

He suddenly turns around:

"Damn Liv, you scared me."

"Sorry. How is she?"

"Still asleep", he sighs.

Olivia stares at him: he looks so worried, so shocked by what happened. He wasn't like that when Munch got shot. She looks at Kate and notices he has brought her favorite cookies. Liv can't help smiling.

"Fin, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you… feel for Kate?"

He doesn't look at her. He swallows hard and asks back:

"What you mean?"

"You know it… You can tell me you know. I'm not Munch."

"I… I don't know. It's complicated."

"I know", she replies, silently thinking about her and Elliot.

"No you don't. You don't know what it is to live that!" he gets angry.

She bites her lip to avoid yelling back at him, yelling that yes she perfectly knows how it feels and that worth it, that fucking worth it. She holds on and, after a minute, sighs:

"You're right. Sorry I disturbed you."

She turns around and walks to the door but he calls her:

"Liv! I'm sorry, okay? I… You're right. I feel for her more than what I should, as her partner. But I can't tell her, I can't be with her."

"Why not?" she asks.

He shrugs:

"Too complicated."

Liv stares at him:

"That doesn't have to be so complicated. It can be very simple on the contrary."

He doesn't reply. He smiles at her and she leaves. He looks back at Kate and thinks about what Liv said. What if she's right? What if it makes things simple if he tells her? He plans lot of scenarios in his head until Kate sighs and moans. He stands up and calls a doctor. When he arrives, Kate is awake. She quite panics when she sees where she is and Fin tries to reassure her. She coughs a lot when the doc takes off the tube that helped her breathing. He checks he's okay, Fin is allowed to give her some water and the doc leaves.

"What happened?" she asks weakly.

"While we were driving to the rape' scene, we interrupted a hold up. They shot us. You received a bullet in the chest."

"Damn", she sighs again.

"Yeah…"

She closes her eyes for a second and he takes the cookies:

"I took that for you."

She smiles:

"Thanks."

"I heard hospital's food is awful", he says with a smile.

"Yeah."

They remain silent for a while before Fin dare says:

"Listen, Kate, I…"

"I'm a bit tired", she interrupts him.

"Oh. Yes of course. Sorry. I go."

Not knowing what to do, he waves at her:

"Bye Kate. Take care."

"Bye Fin. And thanks."

She watches him leave, sighs and opens the cookies' packet.


	9. Chapter 9

_« The leaves of memory seemed to make a mournful rustling in the dark"_

 _Henry Wadsworth Longfellow_

Chapter 9

Kate gets back at the squad a month after her injury. Fin has come to see her at the hospital everyday and, when she came home, he called her and went there to spend an evening every week. While mixing with her out of the job routine, he has learned a lot more about her and his feelings towards her have not stopped increasing since. But he still hasn't said anything or done anything. As for her, she has become withdrawn about him. He doesn't understand why and he doesn't dare asking. He thinks it's because she holds him responsible for the gunfire. Fin has thought the same at the beginning but the whole squad insisted to make him realize he has nothing to do with it.

She's coming back today and Fin is waiting for her. He's a bit nervous, he couldn't explain it: it's the first time they'll be together all day long and he doesn't know how it's gonna be. He eyes the door every 5 seconds. She finally appears, a bit pale. Elliot, Olivia and Munch welcome her warmly, hugging her. Fin doesn't move, as if he was paralyzed. She talks a bit with the three others and finally sits on her chair. She looks at Fin:

"Hi."

"Hi. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good thanks."

Embarrassed, Fin doesn't know what to say and just sits down in front of her. Cragen gets out of his office a few minutes later:

"Kate. I need to talk to you. In private", he adds.

She frowns a bit, but goes in his office. He closes the door behind her and stares at her. He doesn't say anything for a moment and she ends up asking:

"What?"

"How are you?" Cragen asks.

"I'm fine. I ache sometimes but it's okay."

"I meant psychologically."

She smiles:

"I'm fine Captain. I swear."

"Are you sure?"

She nods:

"Positive."

"Alright. I want you to stay at the squad today."

She moans:

"Oh no, please. I'm ready to get back to real work."

"Don't you think welcoming the victims is "real work"?" he asks with a fake disapproving look.

Kate doesn't reply and eventually nods:

"Alright Captain."

"You can go."

"Thanks."

He watches her leaving and he gets back to his desk.

Kate sits with an exasperated sigh. Fin looks at her, wets her lips several times and says:

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing", she replies coldly.

"Sorry I asked", he retorts nastily.

She sighs again and looks at him:

"Sorry. It's Cragen. He asked me to stay there for the day."

"Oh. It's not against you. He just thinks you need to go easy for the resumption, see?"

"Yeah…"

Munch interrupts her:

"Fin. We have a case, we need to go."

Fin grabs his leather jacket and leaves after a last glance at Kate.

She is awfully bored. It's been an hour since Fin has gone and she misses him. A lot. She stares at his empty chair and sighs. Then she looks at the door. But it's not Fin who walks in: it's a woman, young, looking everywhere with a panicked look. Kate stands up:

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"Are you a detective?" the woman asks.

"Yes. Detective Rooney", she says, holding her hand out at her.

The woman shakes it slightly.

"Please, sit down. So, tell me. Why are you here?"

Before the woman answers, Kate sees Fin and Munch coming back.

"I want to press charges against my brother."

Kate gives her a surprised look but lets her talk. The woman adds, tears in her eyes and her voice quavering:

"He has raped me. Well I don't really know if it's a rape."

"What do you mean?"

"He… he forced me to do oral sex."

And suddenly, violent flashes invade Kate. Pale as a sheet, she can't concentrate anymore on her victim. She sees her talking but she doesn't hear. Flashes become more and more numerous, realistic and violent and Kate stands up and rushes to the restrooms. She closes the door behind her and opens the tab, throw water on her face. She feels nauseous. The door opens and Fin comes in:

"Hey, you okay?"

Kate frenetically shakes her head.

"What's wrong?" he asks, really worried, coming close to her.

She turns around to face him and whispers:

"My brother raped my sister."

"What? When?"

"I don't know. This woman… when she told me her brother raped her, everything came back in my mind. I need to call my sister."

"Do you want me to take care of the victim?" Fin asks.

"Yes, please. If you're okay."

"Sure. Take your time."

She stays in the restrooms a few minutes and she takes her cell and calls her sister.

"Delinda? I need to see you ASAP. Call me back."

She hangs up, drinks some water and goes back to her desk.

The woman, Melanie, looks credible. She gives a lot of details, cries a lot and the two detectives try to comfort her the best they can. Later, they go arrest her brother, Chris. They interrogate him but she denies everything, saying his sister is crazy. Kate wonders if her brother will say the same thing about her sister. She tries to focus on the case but it's hard for her. At the end of the day, her sister calls her back while Fin is driving her back. She motions him to park while she's talking to her:

"Hey. What was so urgent?" Delinda asks.

"Hi. I got a victim today and her story reminded me of something. But it's hard to ask…"

"Go ahead."

Kate breathes deeply:

"Delinda, did Ronald rape you?"

"What? No!"

Kate frowns:

"I had a flash today, a memory I had hidden."

"What was it?"

"I was coming into your room and… you were with Ron. Delinda, you were having oral sex with him…"

"Oh that, yeah, it happened so what?"

Kate hardly believes what she hears:

"So what? Delinda, it's a rape! Ron raped you!"

"We didn't have sex."

"No need for penetration. Forced oral sex IS rape."

Kate glances at Fin and he presses her hand. She weakly smiles at him. He motions her to go out and she shakes her head. She wants him by her side.

"Well", Delinda says again. "I have to take care of your niece so… I'll talk to you later."

"Delinda, think about what you want to do. You can still press charges against Ron."

There's a long silence and she ends up saying:

"Okay. Bye."

She hangs up before Kate could have said anything. She turns to Fin and suddenly dissolves into tears. He hugs her, strokes her hair:

"It's okay… it's okay."

She sobs loudly and it's breaking his heart. He doesn't know what to do, what to say, he can't do anything but being here for her. When she finally calms down, she wipes her tears away and ask sorry.

"Come on… Sorry for what?"

"Breaking down in front of you."

"It's okay. It's normal. I'm your partner and your friend."

"Thanks", she says, looking at him.

He smiles and drives her home.

A few days later, while Kate has called her sister every day, Delinda ends up answering her. They fight violently on the phone: Delinda repeats it's okay and that she has not the feeling of having been raped and Kate can't stand her sister to think like that. Delinda has always been quite weird, feeling she owes her husband everything and that feminism is bullshit. But Kate hardly believe that, with a sister working for the special victims unit, she still has these beliefs. How could she act normally with Ron again? How could Delinda do? But she knows that if Delinda doesn't press charges, she can't do anything. It's a really hard blow for her and she needs time to get over it, much more than for her injury. The whole squad supports her, and it's really helpful but she feels like she has lost her siblings forever.


	10. Chapter 10

_"_ _Sex is emotion in motion"_

 _Mae West_

Chapter 10

« Happy anniversary! » the whole team shouts.

Kate stares at each one of them, with a broad grin. They celebrate her first year at the squad and she can't be happier. Fin clears his throat and they all turn to him. Raising his glass at Kate, he says:

"I have to say I wasn't really enthusiast at the idea of having a new partner after Munch. But I have to say I was wrong. You're a great cop, a great partner and a great person. I wish we can be partner for a long time."

They all drink, and Olivia discreetly winks at Kate, who smiles. It's her turn to talk, after the whole team has asked for a speech:

"Allright, allright", she says, laughing. "I wanted to thank you all for your warm welcome when I got there. I know it was hard for you Fin at the beginning, but I'm happy you didn't reject me and that we learned how to know each other. I really appreciate you, well, except your shitty tastes in music."

Everybody laughs, even Finn who though retorts:

"Speak for yourself kiddo."

"So. Thank you all and I hope we'll have many other years to celebrate together."

They applause her and she smiles. Fin joins Munch and Kate sits by Olivia.

"So? You didn't tell him?" she asks.

Kate shakes her head and her beautiful blue eyes glance at Fin.

"What are you waiting for? You know, I've been through that, and I can tell you: don't lose time."

Kate whispers:

"Nothing tells me he feels the same thing for me."

"Oh come on Kate…"

She interrupts her:

"Listen, I don't want to talk about it, okay? I just want to enjoy my evening with you."

Olivia smiles:

"Okay. But promise me you'll think about it."

"I will. I promise."

Elliot joins them and their conversation ends at this moment. During the party, Kate drinks. A lot. The others know when it's time to stop, but Kate really wants to get drunk tonight. She'll have bad headaches tomorrow but she doesn't care. Alcohol turns her euphoric, funny, and irresistible. At least that's what she thinks. Around 3 AM, while Cragen and Munch have already left, the rest of the squad decides to go back home. Kate is really drunk now and Olivia turns to Elliot:

"What do we do?"

"I'll drive her back don't worry", Fin says.

El and Liv exchange a knowing look and he says:

"OK. I'll drive Liv back too. Goodnight."

"Night guys."

He watches them leaving the bar and he turns to Kate, half sprawling on the table. He grins with disappointment but he joins her:

"C'mon Kate I'll drive you back."

She moans something he can't understand and he helps her getting down her chair and leaving the bar. In the car, she closes her eyes and he thinks she has fallen asleep. He parks in front of her house and he turns to her:

"Kate? Kate?!"

She doesn't answer and he gets closer to check everything's allright. She opens her eyes right when he's 10 cm close and shouts:

"Booh!"

"The fuck Kate!" he shouts back, scared.

She laughs and he gets out of the car:

"You're a real kiddo. Get out."

She holds her hand at him and he takes her, helps her getting out.

"Keys", he commands.

She gives them to him with a kinky laugh. She quite likes when he orders her around. He opens the door:

"Are you able to get to the living room?"

"Can't you stay?" she asks.

He gives her an inquiring look:

"I want you to stay", she orders.

"I have to get up early tomorrow. You too need to sleep."

"I was not talking about that", she shakes her head and puts her hands on his chest.

He glances at them:

"What are you?"

He can't finish his sentence: she has pressed her lips to his. He needs two seconds to realize and to push her away:

"Hey!"

She presses against him:

"What?"

"We… You can't do that."

"Why?" she asks, her eyes sparkling with lust.

Fin swallows hard:

"C'mon kiddo, I could be your father."

"Well, you're not, as far as I know", she says, running her hands on his chest and belly.

It's really hard for him to resist but he can't give her what she wants.

"Kate…" he sighs.

"I know you want me…" she sighs back, unbuttoning her shirt.

Before he could react, she has revealed her bra. He turns around and looks around him, panicked:

"For fuck sake, Rooney, we're in the streets."

Oh. That's not a good sign when he calls her with her last name.

"Then come in", she whispers.

He stares at her for a moment, glancing inside the house, thinking about what's waiting for him at home: a beer and some stupid tv show. But it's risky to stay here. But it's tempting. But what is Cragen gonna say about it. But he doesn't have to know. The questions are tumbling out in his head. And when he gets back to reality, Kate has grabbed his leather jacket and has made him sit on the couch. He tries to push her away again:

"No… Kate, we can't do that."

"Well as we're grownups, yes we can."

She takes her pants off: he looks at her. He wants her, but he feels bad about sleeping with her. She's way younger than him, she's his partner. There are so many reasons why they shouldn't be together. But, she's gorgeous, smart and nice. He swallows hard when he sees her taking her bra away, revealing two superb breasts, big, round and firm. He can't look away for a moment. He probably looks like a teen but it's been a while since he hasn't been with someone. Kate's laugh gets him back to reality.

"What?" he asks.

She takes a tissue and gives it to him:

"You're dribbling."

He doesn't believe her but he though touch the corner of his lips and, well, he must admits she's right. Though he's offended and the look on his face makes her laugh again. He grabs her wrist and makes her fall on him:

"Don't mock me kiddo."

"Don't call me kiddo."

"Why?"

"Because a kiddo doesn't do that."

She French kisses him and he doesn't push her away. On the contrary, he enjoys this kiss a damn lot. While kissing, she takes his jacket off and he starts stroking her. The feeling of her naked body against him turns him hard. He doesn't think about pushing her away now. He just thinks about her, about his hands on her, her soft skin, her breasts against him. She quickly unbuttons his shirt and he watches her kissing his chest: he slightly smiles before slipping his hand between her thighs. She moans and arches herself against him. He hardly believes that she could be so wet. Through his panties, he already feels it, so he wonders how it is without them. He slips the panties off her ass and immediately strokes her there. She moans again and kisses his neck, sucking on his earlobe. As a response, he slides a finger in her intimacy. She asks for more, so he gives her more. He moves his fingers in her and she completely sticks at him. When she climax, she feverishly frees his cock from his pants. She guides him in her, she's so excited that she starts moving on him hard and quick. Fin stares at her, her face, the least expression of pleasure or pain when he's too deep inside her. It's been a long time he hasn't be with a woman, and he's quite scared to come too soon. He wants her to enjoy sex with him, as much, if not more, as he enjoys it with her. She's noisy and really exciting. He feels a climax coming so he grabs her hips and makes her stop the movements. She understands why he's doing that and she doesn't say anything. She stands up a bit and it gives him full access at his breasts. He bends down to kiss and lick them, then his hands take them. Kate smiles and feels he's ready to go on when he loosens up her hips. The same thing happens again 3 or 4 times. Kate climaxes between the interruptions. When Fin stops her again, she bends down on him and whispers:

"I want you to come now."

She takes the lead and moves so hard he thinks his climax is gonna kill him with pleasure. They cuddle for a moment before heading to the bedroom and going on making love for a long moment. When they're satisfied, they remain side by side, staring at the ceiling; their noisy breathes ringing out in the room. Fin strokes his face and Kate turns to him:

"What's wrong?"

 **N/A: Please don't hesitate to let me know any suggestions :)**


	11. Chapter 11

_"_ _Fire meets gasoline"_

 _Sia_

Chapter 11

Fin turns to her:

"Nothing."

She cuddles up against him and he puts his hand on her shoulder after a hesitation. She must feel he's not at ease because she looks up and says:

"Tell me if you don't like it."

"I do… I'm just…not used to it anymore."

She smiles and kisses him. But she realizes he's lying and that there is really something wrong.

"Come on Fin, tell me what's wrong."

He looks at her, sighs and says:

"I wonder how Cragen is gonna kill me."

Kate bursts out laughing, turns around on her belly and stares at him, laughing. Fin goes on saying:

"What do you think? Will he strangle me? Shoot me? Hung me? Stab me?"

The naked woman laid at his side laughs even more and her happiness gives her new light in her blue eyes and red cheeks. She has never been so beautiful, he thinks. He raises his hand to stroke her hair and she stops laughing to take it and kiss it. He smiles and she gets closer, lays slight kisses on his chest. Then she puts her face on it and strokes his skin:

"Where does your name come from?" she asks. "I never heard it before."

"It's a Yoruban's name."

"What's that?"

"It's a language spoken in South West Nigeria. What about yours?"

She laughs:

"My name is common."

"Why did your mother choose it?" Fin asks.

"She loved that French actress, Catherine Deneuve, I don't know if you know her."

Fin nods and she goes on saying:

"Well, she gave me that name and she just "americanized" it, replacing the C with a K."

"Allright", Fin says.

Kate stares at him silently and bites her lower lip before saying:

"What do we do for the squad, for Cragen?"

Fin strokes his hair:

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"I would tell everybody."

"Let's do that."

"Are you sure?" Kate asks, "I don't want to force you. If you're not ready, it's okay."

"It's been a while since I'm ready for it", he says.

Kate frowns:

"What do you mean?"

"I've liked you more than like for a while."

She slowly stands up and sits next to him:

"You're kidding, right?"

Fin swallows hard and stares at her breasts for a long moment, without answering her question.

"Hey!" she shouts, bringing him back to reality.

"What? Sorry, what were you saying?"

"You were saying that you've wanted me for a while."

"Yeah. Is it wrong?" he asks, seeing she's angry.

"Why not saying it before?" she asks.

Fin sighs:

"It was complicated. And I didn't want to get in a relationship again. But I'm happy we're together."

"Are we?" she bitterly asks.

Fin frowns in turn:

"Sure. Why not?"

He tries to stroke her but she moves away.

"I need to go to the bathroom."

She walks away, Fin staring at the swaying of her ass. He smiles while she's in the other room. He feels kinda relieved that they ended up making love. And he's glad she made the first step. Because right now, he feels happy, really happy. He had not been this way for a very long time. Indeed he realizes he doesn't even remember when was last time he felt so good. Kate doesn't come back and he wonders what she is doing. He stands up, naked too and goes knock on the door:

"You're okay?"

She doesn't answer and he comes in: she sees him, rushes in the shower. He doesn't understand why she's so upset. He hesitates between leaving her alone and joining her: but he doesn't want her to think he doesn't care about what she feels. He opens the door of the shower: she is crying. He couldn't hear because of the noise of the water. When she sees him, she turns around:

"What's wrong babe?" he asks, really worried.

"Don't call me that", she spats.

"What's wrong? What have I done?"

Kate goes on crying and it's breaking his heart. He lets her calm down, he tries to touch her but she pushes him away. After long minutes, she says:

"Why did you let me like that?"

Fin doesn't understand but doesn't dare say anything:

"Why didn't you tell me what you were feeling?" she asks again.

"Oh Kate…" he sighs, coming at her and hugging her.

This time she lets him do and she cries again in his arms:

"I wanted to, I swear but… I was scared you didn't feel the same, I was scared of feeling something I thought I had forgotten long ago. Please… I'm happy, I'm so happy we're together."

She looks up, her eyes full of tears and she stammers:

"You… You swear?"

He nods and kisses her. She clings on him and he pins her against the wall. The warm water, her hot body, everything turns him on. He feels like he needs to prove her he's sincere now. And what better way than making love to her? Fin kisses her, then her skin, her face, takes her breast in his hand while the other one supports her thigh. He bends down, takes one nipple in his mouth, then the other and she cries out in pleasure. Everything she does turns him on more and more. He's laying kisses on her belly and is hard as if he was about to come. But he wants to take care of her. He puts one of her legs on his shoulder and slips a finger on her pussy. She moans and he looks at her, she strikes his hair and he takes her hand, kisses it. He gently strokes her clit and her labia, and she arches against his hand.

"I want you", she moans.

"I want to look at it. It's kinda cute."

"Please… That's torture."

"Let me turn this into a sweet one then."

Fin sticks his mouth on her vagina and she shouts with pleasure. His hands run from her ankles to her breasts. He kneads them, a bit violently, but he is so excited he can't restrain himself. He savors the taste of her on his lips and his tongue. He tells her she tastes great. His lips and his tongue run over her pussy, outside, inside, everywhere. When she comes, she cries out in pain because he doesn't stop licking her. He only does when he makes her come a second time. He kisses her up to her mouth and slips his tongue in her mouth. She makes him come closer and immediately takes his cock and rubs it. He sighs and lets her do before gently moving her hand away. He grabs her thighs and lifts her up. He gently comes in her, and makes love to her as gently as he can. He stays passionate, but it's not as violent as the first time. Kate loves it. She loves the way he stares at her, the way his hands stroke her, the way he kisses her. She has waited for it for so long and she's not disappointed, on the contrary. It is perfect, and Fin is a wonderful lover. For now, he's doing all the job and she thinks she'll have to show him what she can do. Kate must admits she kinda likes him fucking her. She closes her eyes, enjoying the shag, smiling when she feels her climax arising from her kidneys and her belly, overwhelming her and exploding in her, yelling her pleasure. Her pussy throbs around Fin's cock and she can feel him climaxing in turn. He moans hoarsely and stays in her, breathless, the water still running on their bodies. When she is ready, he lets her getting back on her feet and they wash each other. When they're done, they get back to bed, Kate turns on a side, Fin embraces her from behind and sticks to her. She turns at him with a smile, they kiss and she closes her eyes, falling asleep within the minute.


	12. Chapter 12

_N/A: Happy New Year guys!_

 _"_ _I love you in my own way_

 _I love you better_

 _I love you all inside this_

 _I love you forever"_

 _Snow Patrol_

Chapter 12

The following morning, Kate and Fin arrive together at the squad. Their faces are tired, big circles under their eyes, but their eyes have a new glimpse. Olivia notices it as soon as they come in. her eyes are red too, but with tears. Kate frowns when she sees her and, when she goes get some coffee, Kate follows her.

"Hey, something's wrong?" she asks.

Olivia turns to her with a quavering smile and tears in her eyes:

"No..."

"Why are you crying then?" Kate asks with concern.

"El proposed to me."

Kate gasps:

"Oh my god! That's awesome, I'm so happy for you!"

She hugs Olivia and she cracks up in her arms:

"Hey buddy…"

"I'm just…so happy…."

"You bet!"

Olivia laughs and Kate says again:

"Well, I got great news too. Fin and I are together."

Olivia opens her mouth wide:

"That's awesome too!"

"We want to tell the captain", Kate says.

"Oh…"

"Do you think he'll react badly?"

"I can't say. I guess I should tell him about me and Elliot too."

Kate smiles nicely:

"Are you afraid?"

Liv shakes her head:

"Rather worried he would separate us."

Kate strokes gently Olivia's shoulder.

"Let's tell him now."

Liv stares at her and says:

"Okay."

They both want to get rid of it as soon as possible. Kate is way more relaxed than Liv but Liv knows Cragen more. They get back in the room, Fin and El look at them. Liv turns to them:

"We'll tell Cragen. You come?"

Fin gives Kate a surprised look. She shrugs:

"I had to tell her. She's my best friend."

They both look at each other but the guys don't move.

"Oh come on…" Kate sighs.

They pretend they're doing stuff on computers and the two women can't help laughing. Feeling better, Liv heads to Cragen's office with Kate. They knock on the door:

"Come in", he says from inside.

They look at each other and give each other a comforting smile before coming in.

"Hello?" Cragen asks.

"Captain. We have to tell you something."

He frowns, gets comfortable in his chair and stares at them:

"I'm all ears."

Liv walks a step forward and simply says:

"Captain, I'm engaged to Elliot."

Kate joins her:

"I'm dating Fin."

There's a heavy silence: Cragen crosses his fingers and stare at them lengthily. They both hold his gaze.

"So you really think I'm blind?" he ends up asking.

The women exchange a look but don't raise it.

"It's been years I've known for you two", he tells Liv, "even before you knew it yourselves. Same for you Kate, I saw the way you looked at Fin the day you arrived."

They both gape and Liv ends up stammering:

"So… Why did you not tell us?"

"Same reason YOU didn't tell me. It should have been your decision, not mine."

Kate smiles:

"Are you gonna separate us?"

"Of course I'm not."

"Cool", Kate can't help saying with enthusiasm.

Liv chuckle and Cragen hardly holds back a smile.

"Any other news?" he asks.

"No Captain", Liv says.

"Okay. Get back to work."

They get out and Fin and Elliot stare at them. Kate gives them thumbs up and they immediately look weirdly relieved.

After work, they all go have a drink in their usual bar. Liv and Kate are beaming. There music in the bar, a song Kate loves and Fin hates and she drags Liv away to dance. Fin and Elliot, side by side, are watching them dancing and laughing. They are both so happy for themselves and for the other one. It's not their type to look overjoyed so they remain silent and look at the loves of their lives. Eliott ends up saying:

"I'm happy for you Fin."

"Thanks. Same here", he answers. "So, ready to get married again?"

Elliot smiles:

"Yeah, more than ever. What about you?"

"Don't go too fast. And I don't think it would be Kate's type."

"Really? I'm not sure", Elliot retorts. "Would you… be my groomsman?"

Fin stares at him, surprised:

"Why, yes of course. I never thought you would want me."

"Why not?" El asks, frowning.

"Well, we're not that close… Why not the captain or Munch?"

"Munch will be my other witness and Cragen is gonna lead Liv to the altar."

Fin smiles:

"That's great. Have you told your kids?"

Elliot sighs:

"Yeah."

"How did it go?"

Elliot winces:

"That bad?" Fin asks.

"Awful."

"Sorry I asked man."

"Not your fault. Their mother is setting them against me."

Fin sighs:

"I thought she would be more mature than that."

Elliot shakes his head:

"She never accepted the divorce and it was worse when I told her about Liv and me. She was sure I cheated on her long before we split up. Though I didn't."

"I trust you Elliot. I hope it will get better."

"Yeah, me too."

Seeing the girls are coming back, they stop talking about that.

While coming back to Kate's place, she tells Fin Liv has asked her to be her bridesmaid. Casey will be the other one. He tells her it's great and precises he'll be one of El's groomsman.

"That's awesome", she shouts with enthusiasm.

He smiles, looks at her and stops her. She gives him an inquiring look but he doesn't say anything, he just cups her face in his hands and gives her a long kiss, with lots of tongue involved. His hands keep her against him and she strokes his scruff and his face all along the kiss. She loves the way he does that, always full of passion and still kinda romantic. She really has the hots for him, Cragen was right, she always had. She feels like she's been looking for a guy like Fin all her life long.

"You are wonderful", he says after that, before she could ask what was that kiss for.

"Thanks", she says dreamily. "You're not bad either."

He smiles, slips his hand in hers and they go on walking.


	13. Chapter 13

_« A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on »_

 _Carl Sandburg_

Chapter 13

 _6 months later_

POV Kate

« Come on Fin, hurry up, we're gonna be late ! »

I shout while walking from a room to another, getting dressed. Fin is locked up in our bedroom, and I need to get in to grab shoes. I knock on the door:

"Open up."

"Huh. No. You should go without me, I don't feel fine."

"Oh come on Fin, what's going on?" I ask. "Open the door. NOW!"

There's a silence after I yelled and the door opens slowly: I come in. Fin is there, in a black smoking, with a tie.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Loot at me… I'm ridiculous."

I smile and come to him, arrange his tie:

"You're handsome and bloody sexy."

He gives me a sad look:

"Not funny."

He leaves and I raise my hands. When we get to Liv and Elliot's wedding, we have not spoken to each other. I feel angry and sad: why does he react this way? Oh, well I forgot, it's Fin. As soon as we get there, he goes see Munch and Cragen. I stay with Liv. I stare at him, standing next to Elliot. He looks pissed off and, when he glances at me, he immediately looks away. The wedding is beautiful and really moving. Liv and Elliot look like the happiest people in the world. El's kids, though, look way unhappy. The eldest one even cries, and I guess it's not with happiness. I give her a sorry look: even if I love Liv and Elliot, I understand so much what she can get trough. My cousins' parents have divorced and for years after that, they still had hope they could get together again. When their father has found someone, that meant the end of their hopes and they never got along with his new wife. I can't blame Kathleen, I really can't. I just hope she'll realize Liv is a wonderful woman before being the woman who stole her father from her mother. The ceremony ends, and everybody heads to the buffet. I congratulate Liv and Elliot and she asks me what's wrong with Fin. I shrug and she comforts me. My man doesn't talk to me either there. Indeed, we don't talk together during the whole day. The only moment when he comes and talks to me is to tell me he's tired and that he wants to come home. We're the only one left and I guess Liv and El would want to enjoy their wedding night. We hug them, congratulate them for their wedding again and drive home.

Still speechless, he gets in the bathroom when we're home. I sigh, undress and slip in the fresh sheets. He doesn't join me and I close my eyes.

Liv and Elliot leave for their honeymoon and come back two weeks later. Fin and I are more or less okay, I think he is still mad at me about this bloody tie. Even after talks and after I told him a million times I wasn't mocking him, he doesn't seem to believe me. I arrive quite late this morning; I've been badly sick and felt like I wouldn't make it. Liv and me rush in the restrooms right after we got there. When we're at the sinks, Liv turns to me:

"You don't look good."

"You neither", I say, laughing. "It's probably flu", I say.

"Well, I know it's not that", Liv smiles.

"Really? What's wrong then?"

"Nothing. I'm pregnant."

"Oh. My. God!"

That's the only reaction I got. I'm so surprised and so happy I don't know what else to say. Liv stares at me and suddenly, starts crying.

"Oh, Liv…"

I hug her and she embraces me tightly:

"It'll be okay, it's gonna be okay", I say, stroking her hair.

"I'm just so happy…" she cries.

"I know, I know. It's normal."

I let her cry on my shoulder, I don't try to reason with her. I know sometimes, emotions are just flowing out this way and there's nothing to do except waiting for them to calm down. She eventually moves away from me, wipes her tears away and smiles. I smile back at her, stroking her shoulder:

"Maybe you are too", she eventually says.

"Sorry?"

"Pregnant."

I burst out laughing:

"No! No, I can't be pregnant."

She raises an eyebrow:

"So Fin and you never have sex?"

I laugh:

"Of course we do."

"Well, you can be pregnant then."

I shake my head:

"It's flu."

"Buy a test and you'll be sure", she says.

"Yes I will. SO, what about you? Boy or girl?"

We go on talking and we go back to the offices. Before lunch, she goes to the captain and probably tells her about her pregnancy. Then she tells the other members of the squad. Fin looks really happy. I think again about what Liv told me and, when we go back home with Fin, he's overjoyed and talks a lot about Liv and Elliot. I stop him from walking and he turns to me:

"Fin… I… I think I could be pregnant."

His smile disappears from his face at the end of the sentence.

"Wh.. What?"

"Don't be mad at me, please."

He stares at me:

"You're kidding right? You say that because Liv is preggo?"

I shake my head. He looks furious and I can't help saying:

"I'm sorry."

I'm not sorry at all indeed. We're the two of us in bed. I'm not guilty of anything.

"I'll do a test okay?" I add.

He silently nods and we go on walking home, me walking five steps behind him. We stop at a pharmacy and I go buy a test while Fin is waiting outside. I feel he's ashamed and that really saddens me. When we're home, I go to the restrooms and do the test. It's positive. I stare at it, unable to speak, unable to do a single thing. A knock on the door makes me startle violently. Fin asks if I'm okay. What can I say? I don't reply and he tries to come in. I have not locked the door and he comes in. He stares at me, sees how I am and takes the test. He looks at me, he looks so lost, so distraught by the result that it makes me wanna cry. I'd like to say something, but I can't and Fin turns his back at me, grabs his jacket et gets out of the house.

 **N/A: let me know what you think about Fin's reaction please :) any suggestions about the next chapter is welcomed. Fin is gonna end up coming back home**


	14. Chapter 14

_I need you to trust me  
Go easy, don't rush me  
Help me out, why don't you help me out?_

 _Marron Five - Misery_

Chapter 14

I am on the couch, crying loudly. Fin has gone for a long time now and I feel awful: sad, disappointed, angry, everything mixes up in my head. My eyes full of tears, I grab my phone. I tried to call him, send him texts but he never answered. My eyesight blurred with tears, I text Liv:

 _Liv, you there?_

I wait for a minute or so and get the answer:

 _Yeah Kate. What about the test?_

 _Positive._

She waits longer for the answer: there are a lot of emoticons with hearts, and smiles and laughs. Between two sobs, she chuckles.

 _That's awesome Kate I'm so happy for you! Maybe we'll deliver at the same date! That's so coooooool to live that experience together!_

Liv's enthusiasm makes her cry even harder. She waits for a moment before ending up texting again:

 _I wish Fin was as enthusiast as you when he knew about it._

 _…_ _. I'm coming at your place right now._

Fin is walking outside, lost in thoughts. He doesn't know where he is, where he's going, he just needed to get out of the house for a moment. He keeps thinking about what happened, about this news. Oh, man, his girlfriend is pregnant. Pregnant. He can't believe it. He knew she wasn't on the pill or anything, they used condoms but, maybe someday they didn't mind and, there she was, pregnant. He feels like he's the unluckiest guy in the world: he didn't take care of Ken when he was a baby, how could he be with this one? He's old and not ready to take care of a kid. Ne never really was. He stays out, thinking about all that, for hours. When he ends up looking at his cell, he sees tons of texts and calls. He winces, thinking he's gonna be bawled out. He stops walking, look all around him: he doesn't know where he is, and looks for the closest subway station to get home. In the sub, his throat gets dry, he realizes he doesn't want to see Kate. Indeed, if he could runaway now he would, gladly. He doesn't want to see her so happy with the pregnancy, he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to tell her to abort. With a heavy heart, he opens the door and comes in. But it's not Kate who is on the couch. It's Liv. Liv who turns to him when she hears the door and who gives him a black look. He looks everywhere in the living room:

"Where's Kate?"

"You're an ass Fin", she spats.

He frowns:

"What?"

She starts yelling at him:

"The fuck Fin! She was desperate on the phone! When I got there, she was crying her eyes out! And all that because of YOU, moron!"

Fin stares at her, furious and points his fingers on her:

"Don't fucking yell at me Liv. Who do you think you are?"

"I am your girl's friend!"

"You are supposed to be my friend too, no?" he asks.

"That's why I'm here! To get you back on earth Fin!"

He frowns and she rolls her eyes:

"Why did you react like that when you saw the test?"

Fin looks at her, more and more mad at her. After all, it's none of her business.

"Tell me where she is."

She sighs:

"Out. She couldn't breathe through crying."

"Listen Liv. I don't want to be nasty but… what's going on between me and Kate stays between us. I don't need lessons from you, especially when you broke Elliot's marriage!"

Olivia stares at Fin, upset, deeply upset by what he just said. She reacts right away and slaps him. Olivia never did that before, they never really argued either but now, he's gone too far. She has spent the evening with Kate as the shadow of what she was the day before, crying and yelling and she felt so helpless, she wished Fin has reacted as Elliot. After the slap, Fin gives her a real nasty look and she understands that he will never be like Elliot. He spats:

"Piss off."

She doesn't even want to fight again. She has told him everything she wanted, now the decision is his. Olivia grabs her coat and walks out of the house without looking behind her. She gets in her car and drives back to Elliot. She is so sad for Kate, she doesn't deserve that. With a sigh, she wonders how all this is gonna end.

I need hours to calm down. People outside were looking weirdly at me, as I couldn't stop crying and crying. I have walked without stopping and I suddenly start feeling hungry, even starving. I get in a fast food and buy something to eat. When I'm eating, my phone rings: it's Fin. I don't answer. I'm not ready to talk to him. But I have to get home eventually. When I've ended up eating, I feel a bit better. Food has always comforted me. I walk back home. It is enlightened and I swallow hard before coming in. Fin is there, pacing up and down. When I close the door behind me, he barks:

"Where the fuck were you? I was worried!"

I calmly answer:

"And you?"

"Out for a walk", he retorts.

"Me too. Where is Liv?"

"Gone. Why did you call her?"

I give him an astonished look:

"I was upset and you didn't answer your phone. I needed a friend."

"I'm here now. You wanna talk about it?"

"It?" I ask, not sure I understand well.

"The baby", he groans.

"What do you mean when you say 'talk about'?" I ask, suspicious and scared of what he's gonna say.

"Do you want to keep it?" he simply asks.

I gape:

"Of course!"

"Fine, calm down!" he barks again.

"Stop playing the gangsta with me for fuck sake!" I groan too.

"I'm not playing anything! Fuck Kate do you realize what it is to learn you're gonna be a dad when your only child is the same age than your girlfriend? Think about me for once!"

I stare at him, pacing up and down, angry, mad at me. I don't understand. I think I never will.

"If you don't want it, let's split up and that's it."

"I don't want to break up with you, I love you!"

I startle and freeze: he has never said it. It's the first time he tells me he loves me and it has to occur in the middle of an argument.

"I love you too", I reply. It's the first time for me too. "But I want to have kids. I want to have your kids. You may be in your 50s but you look better than most of the 30 years old guys I see. I can't choose between you and this baby."

He looks at me, sighs. I wish I could be in his head, I wish he could talk to me, I wish he would be happy and proud about the kid. He remains silent for a while and ends up saying:

"Give me some time okay?"

"Of course", I answer.

"I'm tired. I go to bed", he says after a slight smile.

"Okay. I'll join you soon."

He heads to the bedroom but I'm not tired. I put tv on and watch a movie. When I finally feel sleepy, I join Fin. He's asleep, on his back. I undress and get at his side, willing to not waking him up. I stare at him, his face, his chest. I slightly bite my lip, even if I'm mad at him, I want him. I don't know if I should wake him up, if he would be in the mood for sex. I sigh, get on my back too and start stroking myself. I close my eyes, enjoying it. It's not as good as with Fin but, well, he's not available. I keep my eyes closed, I imagine being with Fin and it's easier if my eyes are closed. When I get close from climax, I open my eyes and gasps with fear: Fin is watching me. He's watching me with eyes full of lust and says with a very exciting voice:

"Go on."

I smile and make me come. While I'm recovering, he kisses my neck, my face.

"Are you in the mood?" I ask.

"Everytime I'm near you."

My thoughts exactly.

He looks at the condom box near the bed and shrugs:

"It's not as if we needed that, right?"

I shake my head, smile and pull him to me.


End file.
